Archive for April 7th, 2009
When Bryan died at age seventy-one, more than three hundred people came to his funeral, for he was beloved by relatives, coworkers, and old schoolmates. He was one of those quiet people who live modest, productive lives and thereby subtly enrich the lives of all around them; and she quietly and without fanfare loved him well and made the decisions without lording it over anybody. They were the kind of people you never read about in the newspaper or see on TV news— because they were not superachievers or grandstanders. They just did what had to be done, and quietly did it well.
Sue often thought about Bryan after his death (although fondly rather than sadly), recalling with love even his crudest jokes. In this happy-go-lucky way, he had fulfilled her—and she, accepting him and cherishing him complete with all his flaws plus her own, had fulfilled him.
*283/196/1*
“It’s just a slap, that’s all. Just a slap between husband and wife. You’ll feel a short burning sensation, and your cheek will be red for a while, but there’ll be no permanent damage.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Please let me. Please.”
“No.”
“Just once. Just one little slap?” “I’m trying to watch television!”
“You’re crazy.”
“I know. May I slap you?”
“You’ll let me watch television afterward?”
“Yes.”
“All right. If you insist. Go ahead—slap me.” The wife walks up, pulls her arm back, and slaps the husband with as much of her might as she thinks proper. “There,” he says. “Feel better?” “Much, much better.”
*249/196/1*
“How about if I do it tomorrow morning?”
“Really? I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“But first you have to do something for me in exchange.”
“In exchange? What do you mean?”
“I’m proposing we do a barter. A service for a service.”
“What service could I possibly provide you, I wonder.”
“Well—funny you should ask. I was kind of thinking about a little sexual service.”
“You know I’m not sexually attracted to you.”
“I know. I’m not asking you to be attracted. I’m just asking you to lie back and let me do vile and unruly things to your body.”
“What kinds of vile and unruly things?”
“Nothing too weird. Just standard stuff. How about it? A clean attic for an hour of indifferent sex.”
“And I just have to lie back? I don’t have to be interested at all?”
“Right. I’ll do everything.”
“Do I have to kiss you?”
“Not unless you want to.”
“Do I have to hug you?”
“Not unless you want to.”
“Do I have to fake an orgasm?”
“Not unless you want to.”
“That sounds like a deal I can’t refuse.”
“I thought so.”
“When do we start?”
*215/196/1*
Players: Husband, wife, and therapist (optional). Activists: Both. Setting: Home.
Aim: Channel anger into a harmless physical battle that serves to elicit deeper feelings and bring about insight.
Game Plan: If the couple is in therapy, they may begin by having a foam-bat fight in the therapist’s office. If not, a friend may play the role of therapist, using this book as a guide. Supervision is often required (just as athletic games require referees) in order to keep the rules as well as set the framework of the contest.
The rules of this game are that the contestants should stand facing one another in the middle of a large room in which all furniture is out of the way. A formal “ring” may be set up if desired, roped off like a boxing ring, with some kind of padded floor (a king-size mattress or thick rug will do). At a designated start time they should begin striking one another with foam bats, aiming above the waist and avoiding the face. Foam bats can be bought from toy stores, or made with 1″ x 10″ x 18″ foam strips rolled up like newspapers.
*181/196/1*
“I’ll tell you, but first you have to agree to the game. And once you make a commitment to the game, you can’t back out, no matter how hard the questions are.”
“Oh, so that’s how it is.”
“That’s how it is.”
Once the respondent spouse agrees to the game, the activist spouse finds out what the three wishes are, promises to do them, and then asks three pertinent questions. These questions should be designed to get the truth out into the open so that it is not acted out sexually or in any other way. Examples: “Do you still love me?” “Are you bored with me sexually?” “Are you having an affair?” “Why don’t you look at me when we’re having sex?” These questions will be just as hard to ask as they are to answer, and are the very issues that are being avoided. Hence it will be quite difficult for both partners to play this game. It will entail much soul-searching, confronting, working through feelings, and give-and-take.
By the time the three questions are asked and answered, the first spouse may no longer be in the mood to have three wishes granted—at least not at that moment. So what might have been instant gratification of the wishes turns out to be delayed gratification. Inadvertently, the “active” impulsive has learned a lesson in tolerating frustration, taking responsibility, and long-range planning.
*147/196/1*