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During the child’s first year, he is absolutely dependent. I consider it unwise to put any responsibility on him for either his cleanliness or his safety. Babies and toddlers are not wilful; they are just eager to explore the world. We must help and encourage them in their courageous explorations and not frustrate them whenever they go for an appealing object. But it is up to us to protect them from danger.
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At the beginning of the child’s second year, he should be taught that certain things must be avoided. 1 le must be met with a firm No when he plays near the stove or climbs on a table or starts for a sharp knife. However, we must prohibit his exploring activities as little as possible. By the time the child is three, he is ready to accept a definite amount of discipline, as far as his own safety and that of other people—and of some objects—is concerned.
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To discover whether you are demanding too much, count the number of times a day you and the other adults in the household say No, or exert pressure in another manner. If there is a continual chorus of Nos, Don’ts, and so on, you can be reasonably sure the discipline is too strict. Try to find ways to assume more responsibility yourself or to make it easier for your child to assume responsibility.
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Your child does not ‘need’ to be punished. When a good relationship exists between parents and children, most difficulties can be resolved without resorting to punishments. Watch how a good nursery-school teacher or camp counsellor handles a number of children! The trouble is, however, that parents have other things to attend to besides their children, and a punishment is often a shortcut. I realize that you have not all the time in the world, and so I will not say you should never punish a child. If, for example, your firm No does not prevent him from reaching for a forbidden, dangerous object, a slap on the hand will probably stop him. In my opinion, it will, in most cases, cause him little more than momentary discomfort.
Punishments are usually two-edged swords, frequently causing more harm than good. It is almost impossible to find the ideal punishment that will accomplish what you want without causing any harm. Nagging, threatening, or shaming a child can have a very bad effect on him. Never punish him for things that are not his fault, or for acting like a child instead of an adult. Whatever disciplinary measure you take, make it clear that he has not lost your love.
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