Often people have eccentricities or habits or ways that tend to irritate another person. During early marriage, it is time to take stock of all these things, both in yourself as well as in your spouse. The well-adjusted person will learn to accept such factors in his/her partner without grumbling and without making a big thing of it.
“Jim is always late . . . Jim is untidy . . .Jim never helps me . . . Jim never lets me drive the car (just because I smashed my own up twice before we got married) . . . Jim is selfish, he always likes his own way, and gets grumpy if he doesn’t get it.”
I’ve heard the complaints year in and year out, and no doubt you have heard yourself muttering these over to yourself, your mother and your girl friends, time and again.
What about Jim? Have you ever stopped to think what he might be thinking? “Jane nearly killed herself with those car smashes, and she is still paying off the bills. Stupid girl, not getting her car insured! I ‘m certain she won’t wreck this one till we’ve paid off the last lot of bills anyhow. …” “Why does that woman keep screeching at me every time I’m a bit late? After all, she’s got nothing to do all day long except do a bit of housework, and get ready and be early, which she invariably is, and then complains if I’m late, after I’ve slaved my inside out at the office working and trying to get to our appointment on time. She never lets up. . . .” “Why can’t she get the washing-up done before I get home for tea at night? She can’t expect me to help with the washing on the week-end, I’m too involved with earning a living. …” “Why can’t Jane see that we must save money if we ever hope to pay for the house and everything in it that she wants? She says I’m selfish when I try to get her to cut down on the spending on ridiculous things that are not necessary. Says I ‘m mean and stingy. That’s a great way to help a guy get on and get debts out of the way.” So it goes on and on.
This may not be any particular couple. Rather, it is a sample of the type of talk that goes on with many, many couples. In principle, it is the basics that matter.
“Getting to Know You” was a lovely song of a few years ago, and I’ve never forgotten the punch line, and the first few bars of the song. It has stuck in my mind, and I often recall it when I hear young married (and older ones too, for that matter) grumbling and griping and sniping at each other.
“Get to know each other,” I say, either out loud or to myself. “Get to know each other well. Learn each other’s faults, for sure. But go the extra step. Get to know each other’s good points too. For just as surely as there are bad points, there are an equal or greater number of good ones.”
For instance, if Jane bothers to think closely about what her young husband is trying to do, she might see the picture in an entirely new light. If he happens to be late for appointments or late home for dinner at night, then there is probably a good reason for it. He obviously puts work high in his priorities, at least during the week. He is keen, ambitious, and definitely headed for bigger and better things.
Inevitably this will lead to a bigger, fatter pay-cheque in the long run. This will surely yield a beneficial spin-off to her. The house will be theirs earlier than had been hoped for. Probably the car will be paid for too, or he may even be supplied with a company car if he keeps notching his way up the ladder. The essentials that make life interesting, home comforts greater in number and better, the future more secure and solid, are all involved. This is where he is headed, and she is part of the parcel. It is largely n her interests that he is working so hard at his trade or profession.
Jim is untidy. So what? There are worse evils than a husband who probably doesn ‘t fold up his pyjamas each morning, and leaves a few things around the house. Jim never helps her. She spends her total time at home “housekeeping,” except for a part-time job a couple of mornings each week. In that case, there is ample time to do what she is supposed to, such as keeping the house clean and tidy, making sure meals are well prepared and ready on time when Jim comes home, and making certain that everything in her field is done to the best of her ability. This includes the washing and the ironing and all the other household chores. So there is really no need why she should expect Jim to be there, willing and waiting to do her work, just as she would not be expected to spend her spare time doing Jim’s work.
As far as the car goes, well, perhaps there is room for some sort of mutual reappraisal there. Today most women drive the family car. No doubt, when the last bill is paid off, probably a few more driving lessons will enable a mutually satisfactory answer to be found in this area.
You may think that this example of Jim and Jane is a little overplayed, but it is meant to point out general principles. The fact is, however, that the couple I’ve discussed carried on in exactly the way I’ve quoted, so it is not a figment of my imagination.
*3/76/5*
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