Archive for March 25th, 2009
The importance and significance of regular prenatal visits to the doctor or clinic cannot be overstressed. It is essential that attendance be made as early as is practical. If there is any question of pregnancy, then a visit is obligatory.
The initial visit sets the pattern for the future. But besides this, it gives the doctor a series of base-line figures with which he can compare your medical status at subsequent visits. This can be of inestimable value, particularly if complications set in at any stage – and this is a probable likelihood with a certain number of people. There is no knowing at the start if you are destined to be one of those special “at risk” persons.
There are three major aims for following through with adequate antenatal care. These are:
(1) To make sure that the mother reaches the end of pregnancy as healthy (or maybe even healthier) as she was beforehand.
(2) To detect any physical or psychological defect as early as possible and correct this promptly.
(3) That the mother is delivered of a healthy, normal infant.
It is only in the past fifty years that as much attention has been paid to the forty weeks of pregnancy as is paid to the fourteen hours or so of actual labour.
The value and beneficial result of this is reflected in the major decline in mortality figures, both for mothers and new-born babies. In fact, it only requires a quick glance at the striking reduction to be aware of the true benefits of today’s insistence on adequate prenatal care.
If you have ever had the time or opportunity to wander through the yard of an old church, this will be impressed on your mind even more indelibly. Most old churchyards had the cemetery as part of the general premises. A check on the tombstones indicates the large number of very young children (and often young mothers) who died, no doubt in childbirth or soon after. Historical novels, and even tales from older members of families, will recount the disasters of yesteryear which regularly overtook the small children and babies in almost every family.
They were, in truth, the bad old days. Proper antenatal care was either non-existent or very skimpy. Midwives did their best. Doctors were often ill-equipped, and tiny cottage hospitals were quite hopeless in their attempts to cope with anything but relatively normal deliveries. Antibiotics, safe and adequate anaesthesia, safe methods for blood transfusion, blood typing and cross matching, and methods for foetal monitoring were still a long way off in those days.
*61/76/5*
It is believed that withdrawal is the oldest method of birth control, having been in use for thousands of years in all countries of the world. It will be practiced again and again. At least it is better than nothing.
The “nothing” consists of unprotected coitus (to use the technical term). Here, no protection is taken, and one simply trusts to nature and good fortune.
Of course nature is rather provocative. The female’s system is geared to the hormonal production rate so that when ovulation occurs, the hormones inside are crying out for sexual satisfaction. So her whole system, feelings, desires, sensations, are geared for intercourse at the very time when conception is most likely to occur. This is the big, big trap with unprotected coitus.
A look at the various ‘ ‘pregnancy rates” of the different methods will give an indication as to how they compare for effectiveness.
The “pregnancy rate” is an index of the efficacy of a contraceptive method. It is calculated as follows. It is the number of pregnancies multiplied by 1200, divided by the number of months of exposure sexually. The higher the figure the less effective the method, and vice versa. The P.R. of the Pill is virtually zero. Here are the figures of other methods.
The intra-uterine device, P.R. 1 to 7
Diaphragm plus spermicidal cream, P.R. 4 to 12.
Spermicidal foam, P.R. 2 to 7.
Condom (sheath), P.R. 6 to 16.
“Rhythm”(or “ovulation method”), P.R. 14 to 35. This figure varies enormously in investigations. Those successfully using the ovulation method will claim these figures are wrong. Great motivation on every occasion and following the rules exactly is imperative for success. The figures for the ovulation method will be better than for rhythm.
For unprotected coitus the P.R. is a disastrous 60 to 80.
*46/76/5*
How often I have had a disgruntled wife complain of her demanding husband and his selfish insistence, and how – after he has been satisfied – he has merely turned on his side and snored off to sleep in one minute flat, leaving her there, wide awake, frustrated, irritated, unsatisfied, and, as they say, “feeling used.” I am certain that this is not how it was meant to be, and I am equally certain that no marriage can be entirely happy with this attitude by one partner.
The most important factors in a satisfactory sexual relationship in marriage are unselfishness and consideration. Unless these two vital components are present in a marriage, it will be torn asunder with many problems, and those of the bedroom will be but the tip of the ice-berg.
And while wives complain of the lack of these attributes (among others), their husbands are also quick with their list of complaints: their wives do not understand their physical needs; they are inert participants, caring nothing for the role they should be playing; that their wives are (and this is the ultimate complaint) frigid!
Well, I tell these men that there are no frigid women; there are only bad lovers – and hence the blame lies at their door. That doesn’t win me any popularity polls with the males, but I do not leave them at that. I try to show them how many wives have to be educated into being a good partner in the marriage bed; I try to emphasize how important it is for them to be thoughtful for their wives’ needs; I try to show them how easily they (the men) can be aroused sexually, and how slowly a woman is aroused, and thus patience and gentleness and consideration and thoughtfulness and technique are all necessary components of the successful and mutually satisfying sexual encounter.
That is why I tell them—and now I am telling you—how important education for this aspect of marriage is. Sexual satisfaction is not something that comes naturally, in spite of what may be popularly believed, and what the glossy magazines tell you. It is something that has to be worked at diligently and patiently. So many think that, because sex is a natural instinct, the satisfaction that it is supposed to bring, also flows on as a natural by-product. Not so!
It is essential that each partner understands the anatomy of the other. And what is more, they must understand their own—and please do not take it for granted that you know this. You should know the areas where tactile stimulation (i.e., stimulation by gentle touching) will bring the best and surest results. These are built into our bodies by a thoughtful Creator who implanted within us, I believe, the sexual mechanism, and its capacity to be aroused, and the resultant pleasure that intelligent and thoughtful stimulation can bring.
All normal, healthy humans within certain age limits should be capable of a very satisfying sex life. All should be capable of achieving a climax, or orgasm, as the correct term is. Ideally, this should occur in the husband and wife simultaneously, but it does not always happen that way by any means; however, satisfaction does not depend on an orgasm (especially in the woman) at all times. She is often capable of satisfaction as a result of the stimulation and the warm glow that results from the togetherness of the love-making.
It is essential to recognize the physical (and emotional) nature of your partner. Some (of both sexes) are quickly aroused; others are aroused only very slowly. Here is where patience, technique, consideration and gentleness are so important. Usually, it is the male who needs these qualities especially.
Often, for example, it is the male who desires sexual intercourse more frequently than does his wife. Here again is where his patience and thoughtfulness come to the fore; he must understand this, and not demand his “conjugal rights” as often as he might have the desire. On the other hand, the wife must know that her husband can be quickly aroused and can quickly come to an orgasm. She will need to give much thought to that.
*31/76/5*
Established early in life, this philosophy will go with your children for the rest of his life. Every successful person has a set of goals. Of course these will be modified often, perhaps annually for major goals, or monthly, weekly or even daily for those of lesser magnitude.
But use the principle, and do your best to encourage its implementation as often as you get the chance.
Encouragement is vital. Asking how progress is being made, giving credit for success, and encouraging the youngster when the going gets a little tougher, are all necessary.
Keep an eye on the friendships your children develop. Without interfering too much, you can often make practical suggestions and offer guidance. It is pointless to tell your children that you simply don’t like Tom, or Dick or Harry. This will only antagonize, and perhaps cement an unsavoury friendship. Rather, be discreet, and endeavor to use tact. The same applies when the children reach adolescence and start forming boy-girl relationships. Tact, discretion and kindliness are all essential.
It is very important to make your home as open as possible for your children and their friends. If you fear illicit relationships, make sure Junior and his friends are about the house. In this atmosphere the friendships will most likely fade. Of course you can’t be your children’s seeing-eye dog at all times. But you can at least offer them situations where dangers may be minimized.
How many teenagers have run into moral strife because the home was simply not available, and they resorted to the family car and got into the habit of back-alley parking (and necking and whatever)? There is no more successful way of asking for trouble (and a probable unwanted pregnancy) than back-alley, back-seat necking, particularly at night.
The risks are less at home. A home atmosphere will not hold back the rising hormonal level of your growing children, but at least it will help to hold the reins in check until they can start to make sensible decisions for themselves.
Maybe you don’t like the sort of music your children play. That is sometimes a matter of taste. (My parents didn’t like the sort of music I grew up with either. But I still like the same sort of music today, and fortunately at least one radio station sees fit to play the nice, soft, easy-to-listen-to type of music of my late teens.) Popular tastes come and go, and nowhere is this seen so forcibly as in the musical scene. So, today’s musical tastes will be totally different fifteen years hence. My children’s children (and yours, too) will be thumping out music that our kids will say is hideous. But try to live with it, and if possible, try to become part of it—as much as you can.
If you can relate to your child’s interests, so much the better. Becoming involved in his school and its activities at least lets him know you care and are prepared to spend time and effort on his behalf. It’s worth trudging around at week-ends to school sporting fixtures, no matter how you might hate them.
Conversely, lots of parents will get a great amount of delight out of all this. Many will relive their own school-days, and become captivated once more as they see themselves (now reflected in little Johnny) performing in the field. Once more, this is all part of the family co-operation thing. It all helps to keep the family intact and together. If you can achieve all this, you have performed a marathon undertaking, and success is yours.
*17/76/5*
Often people have eccentricities or habits or ways that tend to irritate another person. During early marriage, it is time to take stock of all these things, both in yourself as well as in your spouse. The well-adjusted person will learn to accept such factors in his/her partner without grumbling and without making a big thing of it.
“Jim is always late . . . Jim is untidy . . .Jim never helps me . . . Jim never lets me drive the car (just because I smashed my own up twice before we got married) . . . Jim is selfish, he always likes his own way, and gets grumpy if he doesn’t get it.”
I’ve heard the complaints year in and year out, and no doubt you have heard yourself muttering these over to yourself, your mother and your girl friends, time and again.
What about Jim? Have you ever stopped to think what he might be thinking? “Jane nearly killed herself with those car smashes, and she is still paying off the bills. Stupid girl, not getting her car insured! I ‘m certain she won’t wreck this one till we’ve paid off the last lot of bills anyhow. …” “Why does that woman keep screeching at me every time I’m a bit late? After all, she’s got nothing to do all day long except do a bit of housework, and get ready and be early, which she invariably is, and then complains if I’m late, after I’ve slaved my inside out at the office working and trying to get to our appointment on time. She never lets up. . . .” “Why can’t she get the washing-up done before I get home for tea at night? She can’t expect me to help with the washing on the week-end, I’m too involved with earning a living. …” “Why can’t Jane see that we must save money if we ever hope to pay for the house and everything in it that she wants? She says I’m selfish when I try to get her to cut down on the spending on ridiculous things that are not necessary. Says I ‘m mean and stingy. That’s a great way to help a guy get on and get debts out of the way.” So it goes on and on.
This may not be any particular couple. Rather, it is a sample of the type of talk that goes on with many, many couples. In principle, it is the basics that matter.
“Getting to Know You” was a lovely song of a few years ago, and I’ve never forgotten the punch line, and the first few bars of the song. It has stuck in my mind, and I often recall it when I hear young married (and older ones too, for that matter) grumbling and griping and sniping at each other.
“Get to know each other,” I say, either out loud or to myself. “Get to know each other well. Learn each other’s faults, for sure. But go the extra step. Get to know each other’s good points too. For just as surely as there are bad points, there are an equal or greater number of good ones.”
For instance, if Jane bothers to think closely about what her young husband is trying to do, she might see the picture in an entirely new light. If he happens to be late for appointments or late home for dinner at night, then there is probably a good reason for it. He obviously puts work high in his priorities, at least during the week. He is keen, ambitious, and definitely headed for bigger and better things.
Inevitably this will lead to a bigger, fatter pay-cheque in the long run. This will surely yield a beneficial spin-off to her. The house will be theirs earlier than had been hoped for. Probably the car will be paid for too, or he may even be supplied with a company car if he keeps notching his way up the ladder. The essentials that make life interesting, home comforts greater in number and better, the future more secure and solid, are all involved. This is where he is headed, and she is part of the parcel. It is largely n her interests that he is working so hard at his trade or profession.
Jim is untidy. So what? There are worse evils than a husband who probably doesn ‘t fold up his pyjamas each morning, and leaves a few things around the house. Jim never helps her. She spends her total time at home “housekeeping,” except for a part-time job a couple of mornings each week. In that case, there is ample time to do what she is supposed to, such as keeping the house clean and tidy, making sure meals are well prepared and ready on time when Jim comes home, and making certain that everything in her field is done to the best of her ability. This includes the washing and the ironing and all the other household chores. So there is really no need why she should expect Jim to be there, willing and waiting to do her work, just as she would not be expected to spend her spare time doing Jim’s work.
As far as the car goes, well, perhaps there is room for some sort of mutual reappraisal there. Today most women drive the family car. No doubt, when the last bill is paid off, probably a few more driving lessons will enable a mutually satisfactory answer to be found in this area.
You may think that this example of Jim and Jane is a little overplayed, but it is meant to point out general principles. The fact is, however, that the couple I’ve discussed carried on in exactly the way I’ve quoted, so it is not a figment of my imagination.
*3/76/5*